Things I Learned From Children's Books, A Cynic's Version

1.  If you work hard, you're allowed to be a selfish bitch. (Little Red Hen)

2.  Don't send your kid to bed without supper or he'll leave home.  But if he's really a badass he might become the leader of his own gang. (Where the Wild Things Are)

3.  Don't trust small children if you are a witch, as they are very sneaky.  (Hansel and Gretel)

4. Monkeys are dumb. (Curious George)

5. If your dad ever remarries, shit is about to get fucked up. (pretty much all fairy tales)

6. You can only be happy with someone who is just like you (A Color of his Own).

7.  People die, and sometimes it is forever. But not always. (Harry Potter series). Is this even a children's book?

8.  Lions are good, beautiful women are bad (The Chronicles of Narnia).

9.  Violence solves all your problems (The Billy Goats Gruff).

10. If you keep badgering someone, eventually they will give in (Green Eggs and Ham).  

PS. that last one is dang useful for getting a dog.